People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize