morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
