I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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