p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
