Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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