No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I still have a little drunk in my system
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
