I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize