no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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