I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
