my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
