I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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