just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize