Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
