My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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