I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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