my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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