Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
