someone threw a dead crab at me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
