is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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