what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
