two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
