I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
