Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
