my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
