Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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