i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
