Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
