Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
