u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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