Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
