i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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