She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
