Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize