ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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