sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
