my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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