omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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