If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
