she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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