Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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