Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize