guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm just crazy horny about you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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