my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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