I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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