we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
