how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
jump out the window naked night went bad
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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