if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
