Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He? As in you personified your dick?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
