Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
