I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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