Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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