Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
