someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
