I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
