It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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