As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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