I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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