Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
