I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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