hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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