Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
