I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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