I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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