dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry about my life...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
