I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to calm my uterus...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
