1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize