I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
