I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
