My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
